SHARK TALE

 

Title: Shark Tale

Media: Movie

Genre: Animated, Kids & Family, Action, Comedy

Rating: PG

Creator: DreamWorks

Edition Reviewed: 2005 Full-Screen Single-Disc DVD

Nine years ago, there was a huge fish craze. Finding Nemo had captured the minds and the imagination of a nation, who decided they couldn't get enough fish-themed stuff. Clownfish sales skyrocketed. Fish-themed nurseries popped up in every house with a toddler. Aquariums became even more popular tourist destinations. And DreamWorks wanted in on this fishy, money-making goodness by releasing their own fish movie, Shark Tale.

 

I was around thirteen to fourteen years old when this movie came out. I wanted to see it so badly. There weren't a lot of fish movies back then that weren't horror movies or chock-full of mermaids, and I was excited that a new one was already on the market! Never did get to see it, though; my parents put their feet down and told me “no." I was too much of a good girl to sneak out and see it myself. So I simply did without.

 

Nine years later, I finally watch it. And all I can say is, “Thank you, mom and dad, for not letting me see this.”

The jellyfish on the right is mirroring my expression towards this film.

Shark Tale is a 2004 release that follows the aquatic adventures of unlikely buddies, Oscar and Lenny. Oscar is a cleaner wrasse who works down at the whale wash, scrubbing tongues the way his old man did long ago. Oscar is in gigantic debt, and needs to pay off 5000 clams to his boss...or else! Oscar loses the money due to gambling it all away, and is experiencing the “or else!” part of the equation when he meets Lenny.

Lenny is the son of Don Lino, who is the Godfather of the sea. Don Lino is ashamed of his son because he cannot understand why he is so … different. He isn't a cold-blooded carnivore like his brother, Frankie. Lenny is a kind, sweethearted young soul who would rather make friends than eat fish. This does not help the image of the shark mafia. To remedy this, Don Lino sends his sons out hunting in hopes that Frankie will teach Lenny how to be a real shark. That is when they meet Oscar.

Lenny tries to save Oscar, who is too scared to move. Frankie rushes in for a tasty snack-wrasse (I apologize for the pun) when he is crushed by an anchor and killed. When Frankie's body is discovered, the only other fish around is...Oscar. Oscar claims that he was the one who killed the vicious shark, netting himself the title of “Sharkslayer” and all the fame that comes with it.

Hilarity ensues.

 

Oh, where to start with this one? Because I am an optimist who can find merit in most things, let's discuss the positive aspects of the film first.

Well...Lenny is a bundle of laughs. Jack Black might be the only actor in the film who plays a character other than himself: he turns Lenny into one of the most adorkable sharks to have ever hit the big screen. But that isn't to say Lenny is only an adorkable shark. There are scenes that show he can be as cunning, wily, and strong as the rest of the sharks in the mafia. He ends up becoming one of the most enjoyable characters in the movie simply because he isn't a carbon-copy of his actor or a cut-and-paste stereotype. He's a ditz, but he's smart. He's weird, but he's sweet. Kudos to you, Lenny, for being a three-dimensional character. Wish you hadn't been wasted on this film.

Some of the other characters are pretty fun to watch, even if they are just their actors in fish costumes. Robert de Niro and Martin Scorsese seem to be aware of what sort of movie they're both in and ham it up as Don Lino and Sykes. Their scenes together are fun to watch because of the air of medium awareness that follows them: they know they're in a crappy movie, and we know that they've worked together in the film business for years. The jellyfish henchmen twins, Ernie and Bernie, are also fun characters. Doug E Doug and Ziggy Marley not only infuse them with the type of camaraderie only twin jellyfish could have, but they make them equal parts goofy and despicable. The rest of the actors have their self-parodying moments, but these scenes are nowhere near as enjoyable as these notable characters.

I'll give the movie bonus points for including some not-so-common species in the film. It's not every day that a blue streak cleaner wrasse (Labroides dimidiatus), a Commerson's dolphin, (Cephalorhyncus commersonii), and a Leopard shark (Triakis semifasciata) make an appearance in a movie that isn't a documentary. And that's only a brief example!

The soundtrack's nice.

That's about it.

Look at them.  I mean, really look at them.

Now for the negative points. Hope you're comfortable, because this might take awhile.

Let's start with the animation. Namely, how the water is animated. Think about the last time you went swimming, whether it was in a lake or a pool or what have you. Think about how light filtered through the water, casting beautiful wave-like patterns on light on the floor. Think about how the space further away from you was just a mystical haze. Think about how pieces of sediment danced through the water as you swam past.

None of that is in this movie. None of the things that make water so distinct from air show up in this movie. Which makes it seem as though the characters are just hovering in mid-air rather than swimming through water.

This wouldn't be a problem if the characters weren't already wedged deeply in the uncanny valley. All of the fish have humanoid faces that make them look less like fish and more like nightmares. The eyes don't have a lot of expression behind them, and their lip-sync is slightly off at times. All of this cobined with the way they just hover in nothingness creates an illusion of something that is pretending to be alive ... but isn't. The character who gets hit the hardest with this is Katie Current, the journalist. Her dead eyes will haunt me forever.

Speaking of characters, so many of them are just uninteresting. Oscar is an unlikeable jerk who gambles off his best friend's most valuable possession simply because he wants to become a millionaire, lies to get his way, takes pride in his mistaken role as a murderer, and acts like hes stuck in the 90's. The jellyfish twins' stupidity can get pretty annoying (and this is coming from someone who liked them). Even the undersea mafia can make one's eyes roll in annoyance, such as the sissy orca or the gassy leopard shark.

And I hope you aren't watching this movie in hopes of seeing some strong female characters. Angie exists to pine after Oscar and be a generic love interest/damsel in distress. The only other female character (who means anything to the plot) is Lola, a lionfish who exists to create a love triangle and provide eye candy for the audience (and perhaps it's just me, but...a sexy fish?! What were they thinking?!). In other words, the female characters in this movie exist to be love interests for the male hero and do nothing else. Their very existences revolve around Oscar. Great step forward for creating strong heroines in animated movies, DreamWorks!

 

The movie relies on pop culture references, toilet humor and "fish-doing-human-things" jokes (instead of building characterization) to carry it through. The scenes where they do attempt to add sentimentality feel forced, and end up falling flat. The audience has no reason to care about the heroes, after all. The plot itself builds on a lot of classic scenarios (the small town boy with big town dreams, the liar revealed, the odd duck son and his disapproving father, the basic plot of Dragonheart, etc) without playing with them at all, making every “plot twist” obvious from the start.

It all adds up to a stinking pile of movie muck.

Lola has one line that describes this movie perfectly: “Deep down, I'm superficial.” The movie splashes about happily in its simplicity and lack of charm or characterization. It tries to add in emotional scenes to prove that it has heart, but it doesn't work. Lenny's adorable escapades aren't enough to save the film, though he tries his hardest. In short, Shark Tale was a mediocre movie that has not aged well through this decade.

 

At the end of it all, I can only look back on my young teenage self, shake my head at her in disbelief, and wonder why the heck she wanted to see Shark Tale.

Addendum: the DVD I used for reviewing purposes contained an exclusive short called Club Oscar.  The short consisted of the characters dancing in a nightclub. That was it. The best part, however, was that they had a credit for story. FOR STORY.

KILLAH KILLAH WHALE

 

Title: Killah Killah Whale

Media: App

Genre: Action, Sidescroller, Free 2 Play

Rating: 9+

Creator: Daniel Pugliese & David Rozenfield; makegameswithus.com

Edition Reviewed: v1.2, iPod touch

I fear orcas.

When I say “fear,” I don't mean that I am terrified of them. I mean that I respect them. When I was a child, I thought that all orcas were playful and cuddly creatures who could do no harm. And, admittedly, I have met some orcas who fit this description. Sweet Keet, for example: I met him at SeaWorld San Antonio and was charmed by his bashfulness.

But orcas like Sweet Keet are exceptions to the main rule. Orcinus orca are not friends to children; they are voracious predators. They are the top of the food chain. They bring down dolphins, whales, and sharks with ease. They are highly intelligent and never forget any wrongdoing done to them.

If you respect them, they will love you. If you mistreat them, they will hate you.

And if they decide to kill you, you will not be able to stop them.

Hence, why I fear them.

The creators of today's app, however, do not.

Killah Killah Whale is a free-to-play app available on iTunes. You play as Kilahu, a show orca who breaks out of his aquarium with his trainer in order to wreak havoc on the ocean. He barrels through pods of dolphins, groups of SCUBA divers, and cats in inner tubes (?!) in order to … um, in order to … well, from what I recall, the game never makes it clear what Kilahu is trying to do. But it probably has something to do with mass murder.

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you read a description for something and have a feeling it is making fun of an actual, tragic event? Because I am experiencing that sensation ten-fold. If I were to go on a detailed rant about just how screwed up this premise is considering recent events, this review would go on for five days. All I am going to say here is “Tilikum,” and then let you research it on your own time. I'm sure you'll be able to understand what I'm feeling.

Also, one of the unlockable whale skins is a stereotypical Muslim extremist.  That adds to the whole "morally outraged" thing.

 

Moving on from the plot, how does the game itself play? The answer is “fairly simply.” The player touches the screen to have Kilahu swim up, and then releases the screen to have him swim down. In other words, extremely similar controls as Jaws Revenge. Except slower and not as tightly controlled.

The game as two different modes: normal and oxygen. Both modes feature the same hectic, fast-paced mayhem that ends when Kilahu is damaged three times. Oxygen mode adds a bit more difficulty by having the screen grow darker as Kilahu stays underwater (which is meant to simulate Kilahu running out of air). This darkening screen is more annoying than interesting, however; if you are going to play Killah Killah Whale, then I advise avoiding this mode.

I would also advise playing with headphones, because the music is surprisingly good. There are four different background songs that can be chosen for the game, two of which are free (and will be the only ones I will talk about in this review, because I did not are to unlock the other two tracks). The first song is this rolling, thumping beat that matches the rhythm of the game. The second song is a rap tune called “Muck Up Da Humans,” in which a whale (assumedly Kilahu) chastises all of mankind for polluting the oceans and swears revenge. The song is no “Still Alive,” but it is still humorous and catchy. Both of the songs are fun, enjoyable and fit the visual feel and mood of the game.

 

 

As I mentioned earlier, the game is free-to-play. This means that the base game can be downloaded for free. But, like all free-to-play games, there is a catch. In order to unlock alternate soundtracks, skins, and special abilites for Kilahu, the player must collect enough coins to obtain them. While coins are gathered in-game, it takes awhile to collect enough to buy anything. The average coin intake for my games was around 175 coins. Items in the store are priced from 5000 to 20000 coins.

So an alternate route is provided for impatient gamers. An alternate route involving purchasing coins with actual money. With prices ranging from a dollar to fifteen dollars.

I'm not that desperate to unlock the Viking-on-a-narwhal skin.

In conclusion, this app has to be one of the most childish, immature, and offensive apps I have ever played and I enjoyed every minute of it. 

Once I overcame the aforementioned moral outrage, I found a darkly humorous gem of a game. While there are other games with the same basic premise and gameplay, they don't have the goofy charm or catchy soundtrack of Killah Killah Whale. 

Just don't tell Sweet Keet I liked this one. He might take it the wrong way.

FISH TYCOON

 

Title: Fish Tycoon

Media: Video Game

Genre: Simulation

Rating: E

Creator: Last Day of Work

Edition Reviewed: v1.01 for PC (Steam)

 

Ah, Fish Tycoon. I remember the days in high school when I would play the free version online during computer science, racing against my friends to see who could get a million dollars first. We always wondered what the full version was like, with its seahorses and researching and what not. When I finally earned enough to buy the full game, I was ecstatic. The mysteries would soon be solved!

Sadly, I only played it for five minutes before I rage-quit due to frustration and boredom.

And so, for the first time in years, I boot up the game in order to review it. Is it still an aggravating grind-fest? Or is it a genuinely enjoyable virtual aquarium?

Yes.

 

Fish Tycoon is a fish-raising business-oriented simulation game. The player's main goal is to find the Seven Magic Fish of Isola and return the island to its former glory. To do this, the player is given a handful of fish that they must breed to create new hybrids. But to sustain the more fragile hybrids, the player must research their tank environment. But to do the research, the player needs to sell fish to raise funds. But to raise funds, the player must breed valuable species of fish.

And thus the cycle continues.

 

 

Like most sims, Fish Tycoon is not for the impatient. When playing on the game's fastest speed, it takes two hours for your fish to give birth and then to have those babies reach full size. And when I say “two hours,” I don't mean a sped-up in-game version of hours. I mean, quite literally, two hours. The game runs on real time.

Which means that you can trick the game by setting the clock on your computer ahead two hours every time your fish are ready to give birth, but you didn't hear that from me.

Now to give everyone a biology lesson, combined with just a dash of nitpicking.

Did you notice how I kept referring to fish giving birth? Every fish in the game gives live birth. Every fish. Even the fish you just used to impregnate one of the other fish. In the context of the game, this is good. If there were defined genders for each of the fish, you could very well render the game unbeatable by having all males or all females in your tank.

But fish don't work that way. Yes, some fish give live birth: some members of the family Chondrichthyes (sharks & rays), and most members of the family Poeciliidae (guppies & mollies) reproduce by hatching their eggs internally and then popping the babies out (this is called ovoviviparous reproduction, for anyone who is curious). And yes, some fish can change gender at will: for example, some male clownfish will turn female if there is a dramatic shift in the male/female ratio.

But gender-swapping fish are not ovoviviparous, and ovoviviparous fish do not gender-swap.

And this has bugged me ever since I first played the game.

(Of course, this is all a moot point when you realize most of the fish in the game do not exist at all. It's all pretend, with a fantasy island that operates by its own set of rules. Rendering this reality-based vent invalid. Oh well. At least you got to learn some cool stuff about fish reproduction.)

But enough of that: back to the game itself. Besides the length and slow pace, it is also difficult to raise money. In the free version of the game, one could set the price of every fish to $1000 and become rich in minutes. However, the shoppers in the full-length release will not buy your fish if you price them too high. Which, in my experience, includes raising the fish's default price by one dollar. Seeing as how most fish are priced at four bucks, you can see how difficult it is to gain money at the beginning of the game.

 

But that's just how sim games work. Lots of padding and lots of grinding, so that the player can get their money's worth. The point of the game is not to win; the point of the game is to enjoy your virtual fish tank.

I suppose the bottom line is this: is Fish Tycoon worth your money? Sure, if you like aquarium sims; the fish are very pretty, the game is relaxing to watch, and you never have to clean the tank. It' all of the benefits of owning a fish tank with none of the downsides (except one: these virtual fish will never have the quirks and personalities that real fish have). If you have no patience for simulation games but feel that you absolutely must play this game, then I would suggest sticking with the free online version and its faster/easier gameplay.

As for me, personally? I prefer taking care of real fish.

THE PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY OF DEATH IN THE MIND OF SOMEONE LIVING

Title: The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living

Rating: N/A

Media: Artwork

Genre: Sculpture, surreal

Creator: Damien Hirst

Edition Reviewed: Unknown

Here it is. My first review for “Something's Fishy.” I had a lot of trouble deciding on how I was going to break the ice. I wanted to review something simple, yet complex. Something short, yet lengthy. Something that would really get the attention of anyone who happened upon this blog. Something with … bite.

So how about a tiger shark suspended in formaldehyde?

This is The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living, which is an artwork done by Damien Hirst. Hirst is a fellow of vivid imagination and a fondness for wordy titles. A good chunk of his artwork involves the carcasses of various animals, preserved in positions that make them frozen in time. This sculpture, his first and most popular shark piece, is exactly what it is: a thirteen-foot tiger shark suspended in a large tank of blue-tinted formaldehyde.

Naturally, this piece has come under some scrutiny. Many art critics deny that it is actual art, because it is a shark suspended in formaldehyde. Not a beautifully-sculpted statue of a shark. An actual, physical, biological shark. In formaldehyde. They argue that anyone can catch a shark and preserve it. I can understand this argument, that an easily-accessible and widely-available specimen cannot be art. Anyone can acquire a preserved shark for their home. Even I have one. I got it several years ago in South Padre for a mere twenty dollars: a far cry from the $8mil price tag on Hirst's shark.

In hindsight, I wonder if it was ethical to buy this. Or legal.

So what makes Hirst's shark so special? Why is his shark a piece of modern art while my poor little shark is nothing but a souvenir?  I have my own theory/interpretation of the matter.

 

First, let us consider the shark's species. The tiger shark (Galeocerdo cuvier) is a beautiful creature. It's large, intelligent eyes and striking stripes set it apart from the other requiem sharks. But behind the beauty lies danger. Tiger sharks have gained a reputation for gulping down everything in their path. Besides its typical prey choices (such as fish and sea turtles), they have devoured inedible objects such as license plates, tires, cans, and (in one case) a suit of armor!

This habit of gulping up everything in its path makes the tiger shark a wonderful metaphor for death: an unstoppable force that will devour all.

Second, the position of the shark should be taken into consideration. As you can see with my little shark, most specimens placed in formaldehyde are curled into a fetal position. While its technical reason is to make the specimen easy to remove/replace it into its jars, it also gives the specimen a helpless appearance.

 

Hirst's shark, meanwhile, is preserved in a way that makes it seem alive. It does not curl into a helpless ball or sink to the bottom of its tank. It hovers in the middle of the “water,” mouth open and eyes wide. It looks powerful and alive, ready to burst down the walls of its tank and escape at any moment.

 

But it isn't alive.

 

And the illusion is staggering to the human mind.

To summarize, this shark can be considered art. It communicates a message (death is a large, unstoppable force that we cannot comprehend). It is visually intriguing to the viewer. With a bit of creativity and imagination, a person can create their own interpretations of the work. 

 

And that's another reason why I chose this as my first review: to show that anything can have merit and value, if one looks at it with an open mind. What looks like a shark in a tank could turn into a metaphor for death. What looks like a boring kid's game could actually be a fun and challenging puzzler. What looks like a terrible Finding Nemo rip-off could have heart and spirit of its very own.

 

It's all about your point of view.

FIRST POST: WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?

Well.

First posts are always awkward. There's a pressure to impress what small audience may happen upon your humble blog. There's always that fear you may say the wrong thing and drive everyone away right off the bat.

 

So here goes nothing.

 

My name is Sciaenops Ocellatus. Not my real name, I mean. My real name begins with an “A.” But, the Internet being the wretched hive of scum and villainy that it is, I am hesitant to mention my actual name. The name “Sciaenops Ocellatus” is much more distinctive and fun to say. Plus, it fits into the basic theme of this blog very well.

 

What is that theme, you wonder? 

 

This blog is a review site dedicated to various ocean-themed works out there. Anything from books to movies to video games will be covered here in a relaxed and fun environment. I'll be providing summaries of whatever my subject matter is, as well as adding in fun facts about the real-life versions of the critters and analyzation of the more artistic side of the story (where applicable).

 

And it will all be done without a single f-word. Because everyone else on the Internet swears, and I like to swim against the current.

 

Each review will have a basic layout. It'll look something like this:

 

BLOG TITLE

(Cover Image)

Title: (just as it says: the title of the work (and any alternate titles) go here)

Rating: (if the work has a rating, it will go here; otherwise, the lovely “N/A” will make an appearance)

Media: (this is where I tell you what category it falls into: book, television, movie, video game, app, or other)

Genre: (this is what genre the subject is, such as adventure or comedy or horror and etc)

Creator: (name of the work's writer, studio, or what have you)

Edition Reviewed: (because I may own an older edition (such as a two-disc DVD when the reader has a five-disc BluRay), I will provide the edition I used for reviewing purposes for clarity's sake)

And after all of those technicalities, the review will begin in earnest.

 

And after all of these technicalities (ie, this entire introductory blog post), the reviews will begin in earnest.

 

But before that, I'm sure that any readers I have at this moment are asking themselves, “Why? Why is some fish-crazy chick from Texas starting up a review site for fishy movies and stuff?”

 

Is it for money? No. It might happen in the future, sure. But I'm not in this just for the money.

 

Is it for fame? No. I don't want to be hyper-famous like some Internet-based review websites. It seems like too much trouble to maintain fame. If I never become famous for doing this fish blog, that's perfectly okay.

 

So why am I doing this?
 

Well, gather round your dear old Auntie Sci and she'll tell you a story...

 

I've loved the ocean since my grandpa put me on his lap, told me crazy fish stories, and taught me how to recognize over 100 different fish species by sight when I was five years old. I started volunteering at an aquarium in June of 2002; I was only eleven years old. I worked my hardest to learn as much about the ocean as I could. I was going to be a marine biologist and play with dolphins all day. I got into my dream college: a marine-biology based campus that was advertised to be a haven for college kids like me.

 

And, through a series of events too numerous to list here, I crashed and burned. 

 

I eventually graduated with an Associates of Art. I was ready to start anew, get a job, and become a fully-functioning member of society. But I still loved the ocean. Was there some way to combine a love for art with my love for the sea?

 

A writing teacher suggested that I put my talents to use by becoming a film critic.

 

This came right after discovering a fun fish movie that no one I knew wanted to watch because they wrote it off as a rip-off of Finding Nemo.

 

And then it all fell into place.