KILLAH KILLAH WHALE

 

Title: Killah Killah Whale

Media: App

Genre: Action, Sidescroller, Free 2 Play

Rating: 9+

Creator: Daniel Pugliese & David Rozenfield; makegameswithus.com

Edition Reviewed: v1.2, iPod touch

I fear orcas.

When I say “fear,” I don't mean that I am terrified of them. I mean that I respect them. When I was a child, I thought that all orcas were playful and cuddly creatures who could do no harm. And, admittedly, I have met some orcas who fit this description. Sweet Keet, for example: I met him at SeaWorld San Antonio and was charmed by his bashfulness.

But orcas like Sweet Keet are exceptions to the main rule. Orcinus orca are not friends to children; they are voracious predators. They are the top of the food chain. They bring down dolphins, whales, and sharks with ease. They are highly intelligent and never forget any wrongdoing done to them.

If you respect them, they will love you. If you mistreat them, they will hate you.

And if they decide to kill you, you will not be able to stop them.

Hence, why I fear them.

The creators of today's app, however, do not.

Killah Killah Whale is a free-to-play app available on iTunes. You play as Kilahu, a show orca who breaks out of his aquarium with his trainer in order to wreak havoc on the ocean. He barrels through pods of dolphins, groups of SCUBA divers, and cats in inner tubes (?!) in order to … um, in order to … well, from what I recall, the game never makes it clear what Kilahu is trying to do. But it probably has something to do with mass murder.

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you read a description for something and have a feeling it is making fun of an actual, tragic event? Because I am experiencing that sensation ten-fold. If I were to go on a detailed rant about just how screwed up this premise is considering recent events, this review would go on for five days. All I am going to say here is “Tilikum,” and then let you research it on your own time. I'm sure you'll be able to understand what I'm feeling.

Also, one of the unlockable whale skins is a stereotypical Muslim extremist.  That adds to the whole "morally outraged" thing.

 

Moving on from the plot, how does the game itself play? The answer is “fairly simply.” The player touches the screen to have Kilahu swim up, and then releases the screen to have him swim down. In other words, extremely similar controls as Jaws Revenge. Except slower and not as tightly controlled.

The game as two different modes: normal and oxygen. Both modes feature the same hectic, fast-paced mayhem that ends when Kilahu is damaged three times. Oxygen mode adds a bit more difficulty by having the screen grow darker as Kilahu stays underwater (which is meant to simulate Kilahu running out of air). This darkening screen is more annoying than interesting, however; if you are going to play Killah Killah Whale, then I advise avoiding this mode.

I would also advise playing with headphones, because the music is surprisingly good. There are four different background songs that can be chosen for the game, two of which are free (and will be the only ones I will talk about in this review, because I did not are to unlock the other two tracks). The first song is this rolling, thumping beat that matches the rhythm of the game. The second song is a rap tune called “Muck Up Da Humans,” in which a whale (assumedly Kilahu) chastises all of mankind for polluting the oceans and swears revenge. The song is no “Still Alive,” but it is still humorous and catchy. Both of the songs are fun, enjoyable and fit the visual feel and mood of the game.

 

 

As I mentioned earlier, the game is free-to-play. This means that the base game can be downloaded for free. But, like all free-to-play games, there is a catch. In order to unlock alternate soundtracks, skins, and special abilites for Kilahu, the player must collect enough coins to obtain them. While coins are gathered in-game, it takes awhile to collect enough to buy anything. The average coin intake for my games was around 175 coins. Items in the store are priced from 5000 to 20000 coins.

So an alternate route is provided for impatient gamers. An alternate route involving purchasing coins with actual money. With prices ranging from a dollar to fifteen dollars.

I'm not that desperate to unlock the Viking-on-a-narwhal skin.

In conclusion, this app has to be one of the most childish, immature, and offensive apps I have ever played and I enjoyed every minute of it. 

Once I overcame the aforementioned moral outrage, I found a darkly humorous gem of a game. While there are other games with the same basic premise and gameplay, they don't have the goofy charm or catchy soundtrack of Killah Killah Whale. 

Just don't tell Sweet Keet I liked this one. He might take it the wrong way.